When I was a teenager, I didn't feel like I had an identity at all. I was a bundle of trauma, loneliness, undiagnosed autism and unrealised transness. I barely communicated in the "real world", spending all my time with online communities and friends that spanned a gamut of abusiveness. I "came out of my shell" when I started doing youth theatre. I became more social, began to have an identity in the commonly accepted sense.
I'm exhausted, and I've never felt more motivated in my life. This morning, I taught a group of 10-11-year-old French students who are visiting Bath, and taking classes at my school for just two mornings. We were given prepared materials, but being my stubborn self, I steadfastly insisted on my making my own, with the intention of using Comprehensible Input and TPRS techniques to teach in a scientifically-rigorous way.
Today I discovered a beautiful article by Brandon Taylor titled On Being Queer and Happily Single - Except When I'm Not. It mirrors and contrasts the post I wrote yesterday about loneliness, and it resonated with me a great deal. At the same time, thanks to the machinations of YouTube's suggestion algorithm, I chanced upon Ryuichi Sakamoto, a musician and composer of thoughtful, stirring classical pieces.
I'm 26 today. Birthdays have always been intensely loserish for me. There used to be a video of teenage me eating a whole slice of pizza in one mouthful at my friend's birthday party in Pizza Hut. I wanted to start the blog post off with this, but unfortunately it appears to have been deleted off YouTube. So I'll regale you with some past memories instead.
Looking at my blog posts today, it hit me: it's the last day of April. I've been blogging every day all month, as a Camp NaNoWriMo goal, and I've hit it with practically no effort.
After graduating from uni, I spent about a year and a half after uni pursuing writing projects, with the naïve goal of becoming a full-time romance writer within a short span of time. As you can imagine, this didn't quite work out, and I eventually decided that, for the short term, I needed a day job.
I never considered myself an ambitious person, but it's a label others have applied to me. I've always been a project junkie: RPG maker, UTAU, fandubbing, conlanging, NaNoWriMo, Bitsy, vlogging... Heck, once I even started translating The Mencius into Esperanto. This blog and my podcast are just the latest in a long list of Internet-based/derived hobbies. But surely this isn't a sign of ambition? After all, they're pretty niche.