Lonely birthday thoughts

I’m 26 today. Birthdays have always been intensely loserish for me. There used to be a video of teenage me eating a whole slice of pizza in one mouthful at my friend’s birthday party in Pizza Hut. I wanted to start the blog post off with this, but unfortunately it appears to have been deleted off YouTube. So I’ll regale you with some past memories instead.

On my 18th birthday I made an account on Gaydar, the precursor to Grindr, because I was desperate to get it on with an older man. Also, I made a video blog because I literally had nothing better to do.

On my 22nd birthday I got really drunk in a park and because I was wearing a neon yellow skirt all the insects swarmed towards me. Then in the evening I went clubbing, and there were about three people in the entire club, and I dislocated my shoulder voguing too hard.

On my 24th birthday I can’t remember if I even did anything? I went to a furry convention a few weeks after if that counts.

I guess birthdays suck for everyone. One day really isn’t going to be that special. I used to cling to the idea of having a Great Birthday before. Now I find I’m already at that age where I “can’t be bothered to do anything”. That’s not entirely accurate, because me and my housemate are going to have a shared May birthday housewarming party, but I’m hardly going out and hitting the town.

It’s not birthdays’ fault, though, I’m now realising. I feel a deep kind of loneliness. I want to meet new people, but I feel like most avenues are closed off from me. My coworkers are all much older than me. I just looked at a bunch of LGBT+ groups on Meetup, and firstly, most are in Bristol, which is annoying for me to get to, and second, most of the events are things like live music or speed dating, often focussed specifically on gay men and lesbians – all things that put me off as an autistic transgender woman.

I don’t know how to end this post, because it kind of got me on a downer. The thing is, I like my life as it is now, for the most part. I like sitting in and reading and studying languages. But I also yearn for more friends, more intimacy, more passion in my life. And I have absolutely no idea where to find it. So cheers to 26, I guess.

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