Today I’m having a reset day. As I talked about yesterday, today has been a rough week. I thought a good night’s sleep would be enough to recover, but given my state of exhaustion last night, that was naïve.
Rather than try and push through it and go about my normal routine, I cancelled my Esperanto class, and decided to just spend the day doing whatever nourishing things I could. I went for a long walk, listened to podcasts, made a big salad, watched my current favourite TV show (Aquí no hay quien viva)…
I still feel exhausted. The problem with burnout, and generally the kind of autistic exhaustion I spoke about yesterday, is that it takes a lot to recover from it. Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be able to do a little work, so that I don’t have such a busy time preparing classes next week, but I know that it’s better to invest in recovery rather than trying to push past my problems.
I know this now, but in the past I didn’t. I didn’t realise I was autistic until about four or five years ago, and I’ve only been on medication that helps me with my terrible quality of sleep about three years. All the time before that I was in such a deep fog of exhaustion that there was no stability, no normal for me to recover to, and I was practically constantly pushing outside my safe zone. People asked me why I was always so tired, and I didn’t understand the question. Isn’t everyone always exhausted?
The worst thing about being in this state is that nothing is comfy. Bingeing Netflix will just give me a headache, as will eating junk food. But equally, I don’t have the wherewithall to read a book or do anything “productive”. I feel like the understanding of a ‘reset day’ is much more glamourous than the reality for me. It’s not movie-montage of pyjamas and popcorn.
I wrote this post, though, so I can’t be doing too bad!